Cruising along one of the Doom Sphere's many identical corridors was a dormouse in a miniature Mercedes convertible. It drove up to a werewolf being escorted by two shock troopers. "And a
fine day to you, sir!" said the werewolf, "May I take a moment of your time to enlighten you as to the joys of Amway?"
"
SQUEEEEEEEEAK!!!!" screamed the mouse. Throwing the gearbox into reverse, it completed a two-point turn in zero points and sped off in the opposite direction, leaving a faint trail of burning rubber.
"Works every time," grinned Arkady.
The trio continued down the hall, Fegelein brandishing an M249 SAW someone had carelessly left in the halls. Chris cast occasional nervous glances about them, but passing officers were so engrossed in their text-messaging that they paid no notice. A couple even walked right into him. They eventually reached a set of elevators and summoned a lift. They assumed a flanking position on either side of the doorway, Chris fidgeting anxiously, Fegelein stealthily tripping people up. After about a minute, the doors opened and a crewman walked out, soon replaced by the infiltrators.
"I cant see a thing in this helmet!!!" whined Chris. He certainly couldn't see Fegelein roll his eyes. An officer tried to join them, but the Obergruppenführer pointed to Arkady, and the man quickly moved on.
Elsewhere onboard the station, Alec Guinness poked his head out from behind a bulkhead, watching a contingent of shock troopers march down the hall. He stealthily crossed to the other side, catching sight of Darth Lackarse. The Dork Lord paused a moment, anticipatory, before shaking loose the feeling that he was being watched by someone other than the pervs in the CCTV control room and moved on. Alec Guinness pr—
He'd barely put a foot forward before leaping back against the wall as Lackarse stopped again. Now that he thought about it, if there
was a wayward former colleague mucking about the station, shouldn't they have him on video by now? He may not have been privy to
each and every detail of the Doom Sphere's construction, but security cameras would
have to be a given for something as expensive as this. He could put his apprehensions to rest by checking the feeds. He continued down the hall.
Now Alec Guinness—scratch that, Lackarse lurched to a halt. Who was he kidding? He'd never seen a security camera in here..! Not even one of those tinted domes so people couldn't tell which way it was facing. Leave it to George to cut corners and leave a gaping hole big enough through which to lose a Star Destructor. He stomped off. The Grand Mopp may be untouchable, but SOMEone was getting a head-butt for this.
After waiting a half-minute, just in case, Alec Guinness continued through the corridors.
Inside the elevator, Chris realized he couldn't fit the binders around Arkady's wrists. "This is
not gonna work," muttered Fegelein.
"why didnt you say so before
?" asked the boy.
"I
did say so before," he shot back.
The door opened behind them and they stepped into... well, I guess prisons have reception desks now. Chris nonchalantly drew his gun as Arkady stealthily concealed his wrists. Everyone in the room looked to the posse.
The supervising officer straightened up. "Where are you taking this...
thing?" Arkady rolled his eyes.
"Prisoner transfer from Cell Block A113?" replied Chris.
"I wasn't notified," said the man, "I'll have to clear it." He signalled to two men on the other side of the room, who drew pistols and made toward them. Just as one reached Arkady, the werewolf discarded the ruse and clubbed him upside the head.
"Look out, he's loose!" shouted Fegelein, before handing Arkady the machine gun.
"He'll tear us all apart i'll get him!!!" shouted Chris, shooting wildly as the officer tried to sound the alarm. The man levelled his pistol, but was struck in the side and collapsed to the floor. The second guard fired wildly before taking a blow to the chest. As it turned out, the station
did have cameras, but rather stupidly positioned to watch over control panels, not the people using them. Either way, they were soon blown apart as the trio took turns blasting consoles and other guards.
When the dust had settled—and I mean literal dust; lasers aren't as clean as you'd suppose—Chris rushed over and dragged the corpse of the officer off the control panel that was now buzzing with incoming messages. Fegelein quickly joined him, poring over the dashboard. "We've got to find out which cell this princess of yours is in. Here it is; 2187." He pointed down the hall. "You go and get her; I'll hold 'em here." Chris departed and Fegelein pulled off his helmet before skimming through the messages. "Spam... spam... spam... lewd spam... DYOS spam... here we go!" He leaned toward the speaker and pressed the talk button. "Everything's under control; situation normal," he reported calmly.
"What happened?"
"We had a slight weapons malfunction, but everything's perfectly alright now. We're fine, we're all fine here now, thank you. How are you?"
"We're sending a squad up."
"Uhh, negative, negative, we have a reactor leak here now; give us a few minutes to lock it down. Large leak; very dangerous."
"Hold on, I know that voice... Great Scott, am I being trolled by Fegelein?!"
Fegelein glanced at Arkady, raising an eyebrow. "Guilty as charged," he replied.
"Oh my God, I always knew this day would come!! HEY GUYS!! I'VE GOT A LIVE FEED WITH FEGELEIN!!!"
The commlink erupted in a cacophony of noise. "Settle down, settle down, one at a time! I'll be happy to address
all your questions. Now, please hold for a moment." He put the speaker on mute before shouting down the hall: "Chris, we're gonna have company!"
The boy scrambled up and down the block until he found Cell 2187. Fumbling over the controls, he unlocked the door and stepped inside. Princess Kaiser awoke and looked up at the shock trooper quite obviously ogling her. "Aren't you a little short for a shock trooper?" she asked, raising an eyebrow.
"Huh?" Chris snapped out of his fantasy. "Oh the uniform..." He pulled off the helmet and dumped it on the ground. "I'm christos200 i'm here to rescue you!!!!"
"You're
who??" she asked dazedly, sitting up.
"i'm here to rescue you i've got your gentelman im here with Alec Guinness!!!!!!!"
"Alec Guinness?!" she repeated, leaping to her feet, "Where is he?!"
"Come on!!!!!!" The princess sped out of the room, followed quickly by Chris. This romantic rescue wasn't going as he'd planned.
Meanwhile, Lackarse stood before George in the main office. "HE IS HERE," he said simply.
"Alec Guinness de Cuffe?" asked George, idly picking at his nails, "What makes you think
that?"
"A TREMOR IN THE FARCE," Lackarse replied. "THE LAST TIME I FELT IT, WAS IN THE PRESENCE OF MY OLD MASTER."
"Surely he must be retired by now," George countered, unenthused.
"DON'T UNDERESTIMATE THE FARCE."
George rose to his feet, giving Lackarse a condescending smile. "The Cheddar Monks are
extinct!" he boomed, spreading his arms. "Their laughter has
looooong since faded from the universe." There was a buzz on the control panel. George rolled his eyes and walked back toward his seat. "
You, my friend, are all that's left of their religion." He hit the speaker. "What?"
"We have an emergency alert in Detention Block AA-23."
"The PRINCESS?!" he breathed. "Put ALL sections on RED ALERT!!"
"ALEC GUINNESS
IS HERE," Lackarse smirked invisibly, "THE FARCE IS WITH HIM."
"If you're
right," huffed George, "He must NOT be allowed to escape!"
"ESCAPE IS NOT HIS PLAN. I MUST FACE HIM, ALONE." Lackarse turned about and left the room.
Alec Guinness replaced the telephone receiver. He really was astounded the station's entire communications system ran on a single channel.
In the detention block, Arkady finished affixing the last booby-trap just as a hissing noise began emanating from one of the elevators. He sauntered over to Fegelein, who casually shouldered his rifle. There was a loud bang and muffled screams as the shock troopers set off one of the charges. They waited. A few minutes later, another attempt from the neighbouring elevator; another bang, more screams.
"I almost feel sorry for them," Arkady muttered.
It was about ten minutes and dozens of bodies later that the shock troopers finally broke through before being mercilessly gunned down. The carnage might have lasted all day, but for Arkady exhausting the belt. The pair beat a fighting retreat into the corridor, where they were met by the Princess and a thoroughly out-of-breath Chris. It was a big station, and the hall proved longer than he remembered.
"Can't get out
that way," advised the Obergruppenführer.
"Looks like you managed to cut off our only escape route," Kaiser deadpanned.
"By all means, feel free to lead the charge," Fegelein grinned mirthlessly.
A close blast sent them diving for cover. Chris remembered he'd accidentally pocketed the mobile phone of his uncle (mayherestinpeace) and hastily dialled Farnsworth's number. He didn’t actually
know Farnsworth's number, or even if the gentleman
had a phone; come to think of it, neither would likely have reception on the station. But, by some impossible odds on par with Double A surviving in Egypt, Farnsworth had a phone, and Chris managed to dial his number.
"Farnsworth!! Farnsworth!!! Are there any other ways out of the cell bay we've been cut off!!!!!!" A particularly violent salvo followed. "What you say!!!!"
"I
said, all systems have been alerted to your presence, sir," Farnsworth replied, milling about the control room. "The main entrance seems to be the only way in or out. All other information on your level is restricted."
Farnsorth’s head jerked up as he heard a rapping at the door. "Open up in there! Open up in there!"
"Oh no..."
"There isnt any other way out!!!" Chris calmly notified his companions, before trying to score some kills of his own.
"I died as I lived my IOTs," muttered Arkady, "Railroaded by dipsticks."
"Even
I can’t hold them off
forever,” shouted Fegelein; "
Now what?"
"This is some rescue," said Kaiser, "When you came
in here, didn't you have a plan for getting
out?"
"Ask pretty-boy over there." He gestured to Chris.
"Well I didnt—" Chris stood helplessly as Kaiser grabbed his rifle, shooting out a chute cover by Fegelein’s legs. This romantic rescue
really wasn't going as he'd planned.
"Enemy's over
there, sweetheart."
"
Somebody has to save our skins," she shot back, firing rounds down the hall as she crossed over to the opposite wall. "Into the garbage chute, flyboy!" She tossed the gun back to Chris before leaping in. Arkady hesitated.
"Get in there!" ordered Fegelein.
"The odour hints at biological—"
"Get in there, you big furry oaf!" he cut off, "I don't
care if it smells like Sone's weapons lab!" He gave the first mate a kick. "Get
in there, and don't worry about it!" Arkady jumped. "Wonderful girl," Fegelein shouted to Chris, "Either I'm going to antic her, or I'm beginning to
like her." Chris eyed his potential competition. "Get in there!" The boy obediently dove across the hall head-first into the chute. Fegelein loosed a few more shots, then dove in himself. The shock troopers, possibly blinded by the smoke but probably just that thick, continued firing down the corridor.
Fegelein landed on a pile of deceptively soft industrial detritus on top of a pool of murky water. "Welcome to hell, Dante," Arkady called where he was fiddling with the door. Kaiser and Chris were on opposite ends of the room, the latter sifting through the rubbish for unknown purposes.
"I'd make some snide remark about our surroundings, but you haven’t seen the Bunker after Happy Hour. Still, let's not waste our time here. Heads up, Arkady." The werewolf moved aside as Fegelein trained his gun on the door.
"No wait!!" called Chris. The blast ricocheted, sending everyone diving for cover as it bounced about like a supercharged pinball. "WOULD YOU FORGET IT I ALREADY TRIED THAT ITS MAGNETICALLY SEALED!!!!!!!!!" Chris hollered.
"Put that thing away, you're gonna get us all killed!" the Princess joined in.
Fegelein knew to pick his battles, so he simply smiled sarcastically. Then he said more seriously: "It won't take them long to figure out what happened to us."
"It could be worse," Kaiser retorted.
A loud howl suddenly echoed through the room. "It's worse," Fegelein stated matter-of-factly.
"Theres something alive in here!!" shouted Chris. A sound followed, like a motorboat at low speed. "Something just moved past my leg!!! LOOK!!!!" He pointed to where a long, tubular shape briefly broke through the surface. "DID YOU SEE THAT?!?!?!"
"No."
Arkady began hyperventilating. "We're in an Imperial garbage dump... Everyone's heard the rumours, of what the Emporer keeps in them..."
"They're
just rumours," the Obergruppenführer sighed, "Why would he fill
every trash pile with—"
"
HENTAI MONSTERS," he continued, incensed, "They wait 'til you least expect it, grab you with their slimy tentacles, and—"
Chris was suddenly pulled under with a raspy growl.
"Kid!" barked Fegelein.
"Chris!" shouted Kaiser.
He began feebly splashing through the water where Chris had stood seconds ago, calling out his name. The boy surfaced abruptly, a thick tentacle wrapped around his throat. "Chris!" called the Princess, "Grab hold of this!" She thrust a nondescript metal beam toward him as Fegelein scrambled to pull him up.
"BLAST HIM WILL YOU MY GUN'S JAMMED!!!!!"
"Where?"
"ANYWHERE!!!!!!!"
Fegelein let go and began firing rapidly into the water around them. Arkady breathlessly muttered a prayer in Russian as he pounded on the door. Just as Chris began to stand up, he was pulled under again. The water soon settled, and an ominous silence descended on the room. Kaiser looked toward Fegelein nervously, who glanced about the room as the sound of shifting machinery emanated around them.
"Chris!" shouted the Princess as the boy shot out of the water, coughing and spluttering. "What happened?!"
"I dont know!!" he shouted back as Fegelein helped him up, "It let go of me and disappeared!!"
There was a metallic groan. "I've got a bad feeling about this," Fegelein muttered. The sound of machinery in motion reverberated through the room as the garbage began to shift.
Chris looked around. "The walls are moving!!!" he shouted.
"Don't just stand there," snapped Kaiser, "Try and brace it with something!" Chris and Fegelein scrambled through the wreckage as Arkady tried to push the wall back with is own hands. "Help me!" called the princess, fiddling with what looked like a steel axle. Fegelein lifted the beam, positioning it between the shrinking walls as Chris tried in vain to stop the closing concrete. The mechanical cacophony began to accelerate in tempo.
"Wait a minute!" said Chris, digging through his pocket for the phone. "Farnsworth!!" he called, "Come in farnsworth!! FARNSWORTH!!!!!!" No reply. "Where could he be
?"
Farnsworth's phone was lying abandoned on the console. The shock troopers blasted the lock open and marched inside the control room. "Take over! See to him," said the leader, gesturing to one of the fallen officers. There was a tapping from one of the side room doors. "Look, there!" He and a soldier flanked the archway before opening the door.
"They're madmen!" Farnsworth sputtered, exasperated, "They're heading for the prison level! If you hurry, you might catch them!"
"Follow me," ordered the leader, and the group fell back into formation. Farnsworth stepped forward to watch them leave. The leader nodded to one of the soldiers by the entrance. "You stand guard," he ordered as the rest of the squad marched back down the hall.
Farnsworth picked up his phone. "Come on," he said, and Jenkins shuffled out of the side room. "Oh," he muttered as they encountered the sentry. He looked to Jenkins, then back to the soldier. He stepped forward nonchalantly. "All this excitement has overtaxed the mental constitution of my counterpart here," he explained calmly. "If you don't mind, I'd like to take him down to the pub."
The soldier cocked his head to one side.
"The bar?" he offered.
"Oh," said the soldier with a strong Texan drawl, "Alright." Farnsworth and Jenkins proceeded swiftly out.
Back in the garbage dump, the posse was failing to improve its position. "I died like IOT politics," Arkady sighed, "Two-dimensional." The axle cracked under the pressure, and Fegelein tossed it away with disgust.
"Farnsworth!!" Chris tried again, "Come in Farnsworth!! FARNSWOOORTH!!!" Fegelein tried to boost the Princess higher up the garbage pile. "Where could he be
FARNSWORTH!!!!!!! FARNSWORTH WILL YOU COME IN!!!!!!!!!"
Farnsworth, meanwhile, glanced out from an alcove toward the
Centurion Raptor, guarded by a handful of shock troopers. "They're not here!" he said, puzzled, "Something must have happened to them!" He shuffled over to Jenkins, who stood near a console. "See if they've been captured; hurry!"
The man chirruped in response, dutifully withdrawing a cable and plugging into the port.
"
One thing's for sure," noted Fegelein, "We're all going to be a lot
thinner." Beneath them, the larger rubble began to crack and snap.
Jenkins blew a few staccatto notes. "Thank
goodness they haven't found them!" Farnsworth sighed. "Where could they
be?" Jenkins whistled. "Check my
mobile?" he repeated. "Oh my! I forgot; I turned it off." He quickly withdrew his phone and powered it back on. "Are you there, sir?"
"FARNSWORTH?!?!?!?!?!" shouted Chris, walls two metres and closing.
"We've had some problems," the gentleman began, before being cut off.
"WILL YOU SHUT UP AND LISTEN TO ME!!!! SHUT DOWN ALL THE GARBAGE SMASHERS ON THE DETENTION LEVEL WILL YOU!!!!!!!" Fegelein and the Princess feebly attempted to brace the walls with their legs. "DO YOU COPY
? SHUT DOWN ALL THE GARBAGE SMASHERS ON THE DETENTION LEVEL!!!!!!!!!!"
"No, shut them
all down!" cried Farnsworth, tremoring, "Hurry!!"
Jenkins got to work. The walls were less than a metre apart, cracks and pops uttering in constant succession. The man rapidly typed in his calculations. Abruptly, the engines shut off and the walls halted their advance with a thud. Fegelein let out a triumphant yell. "WHAT!!" shouted Chris, before breaking into laughter. The quartet began shouting over one another.
"Listen to them!" Farnsworth wailed, "They're
dying, Jenkins! Curse my privileged upbringing; I wasn't fast enough! It's all
my fault! My poor master–!"
"We're all right!!" Chris cut in, "You did great!!!!!" Farnsworth straightened up. Fegelein and the Princess hugged each other tightly, out of Chris' sight. "Hey, open the pressure maintenance hatch on unit number... where are we?.. 3263827!"
Elsewhere in the station, Alec Guinness trode softly down the hall. He ducked into a corridor that led to a guardrail-less catwalk. He carefully manoeuvred across a thin bridge barely wide enough for
one foot, gripping the sides of the octagonal pillar housing the tractor beam controls like a mountain climber scaling K-2. He glanced down at the seemingly-bottomless pit below. It was so utterly predictable that the Emporer' capitalist convictions would condone such ludicrous cost-cutting measures. The whole
station was a deathtrap at the
best of times; he shuddered to think how many lives would be lost in preventable accidents should there be an
emergency.
Shuddered metaphorically, that is. He
was, after all, presently on one such deathtrap.
As a small team of shock troopers passed by oblivious a little ways off, Alec Guinness began pulling levers on separate-but-identical consoles on his side of the pillar. The gauges above faded to neutral as their portion of the tractor beam disengaged.
Outside the garbage room, the group tidied itself up. Chris and Fegelein had discarded the shock trooper uniforms which, while of little value in combat,
had done a commendable job of keeping their clothes dry. "If we just avoid any more female advice," Fegelein teased, "We ought to be able to get out of here."
"Well lets get moving!!" said Chris.
There was a howl from the garbage room. "God
damn it!" shouted Arkady, leaping away from the door frame.
"Where are you
going?" cried Fegelein. He sighed, turning around and drawing his gun.
"No
wait! They'll hear!" barked Kaiser. He ignored her and fired into the chamber. Exasperated, the Princess rolled her eyes.
"C'mere, you big coward!" he called to the first mate, who was now five or six metres down the hall. Arkady shook his head rigorously back and forth. "And you call yourself a soldier!"
"Listen," said Kaiser, softly but sternly, "I don't know
who you are, or
where you came from. But from
now on, you do as I tell you. 'Kay?" Smiling mirthlessly, she set off down the hall, the other men quickly following.
"You must not know how this works," Fegelein replied with equal sarcasm. "I take orders from only
one person: the Master of Antics. Otherwise known as
me."
"It's a wonder you're still alive." She pushed past Arkady. "Will somebody get this big walking carpet out of my way?"
"Charming woman, isn't she?" muttered the werewolf.
Chris pondered in silence. This romantic rescue
reeeeeeally wasn't going as he'd planned.