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Post by christos200 on May 11, 2012 3:25:25 GMT -8
I have an another story that is far better. That was my first one. My other story is AU and takes place in the original trilogy.
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CivGeneral
Respected Citizen
Space Ninja
Posts: 74
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Post by CivGeneral on May 11, 2012 11:48:20 GMT -8
Oh my god, what kind of crap is this?! Hey, you're a Star Wars fan! You can analyze this for us! I hope you don't mind that I take a Nostalgia Critic/AVGN rift on this and his other one.
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Omega
Respected Citizen
Posts: 73
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Post by Omega on May 11, 2012 12:50:11 GMT -8
I did it. I actually did it. I read the entire thing. May whatever beings that exist out there have mercy on my soul. That was the worst thing I have ever read in a long time. There is so bad it's funny, and there is so bad it's horrible. This was the latter Now, to not sound rude, I do have constructive, erm, "criticism" that is no way a thinly-veiled rant: Stop using Parrot Exposition and That Makes Me Feel Angry Exposition. Parrot Exposition is when your characters just repeat already stated facts as if we didn't know it already. This happens quite a numerous times through your fanfiction. For example, here is one during one of the early scences. However, you use That Makes Me Feel Angry Exposition even more. Basically, you just state the character's emotions rather than actually have the characters act out and be people. In fact, you do this so much throughout the story, that there is in fact no emotion in the story at all. I just picture all your characters speaking in a monotone voice, announcing if a particular action makes them feel a certain way. Finally, there is a lot of continuity errors regarding the Star Wars canon. I'm going to assume that everyone is just an expy of an actual Star Wars character, so I'm going to ignore how only OCs appear. However, by the time of the Separatist Uprising, the Sith only numbered two members. You see, at the end of the New Sith War, which happened around a 1000 years before the Separatist Uprising, Darth Bane reorganized the Sith so that there would be only one master and one apprentice. You might be thinking to yourself "So what? Palpatine controlled the CIS as a master puppet, so technically it is a Sith Empire". Wrong. There is an actual Sith Empire in the canon, that existed 5000 years before the start of your story. It's long dead, and they wouldn't be fielding any ships or armiesAlso, more minor points of continuity raping include how Hoth was not even colonized until the Galactic Civil War (And even then, only as a hastily built Rebel Base), the Jedi school on Dantooine was destroyed 4000 years before the start of the story, Yavin 4 was abandoned by all walks of sentient life, again, 4000 years before the start of the story and was not recolonized until the Galactic Civil War, etc. It seems you are trying to merge the timeline of KOTOR and the prequel trilogy together, and it just makes it a weird mesh of a story that makes no sense.
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Double A
Foreman
resident battery impersonator
Posts: 163
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Post by Double A on May 11, 2012 14:15:02 GMT -8
christos is an Elcor.
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CivGeneral
Respected Citizen
Space Ninja
Posts: 74
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Post by CivGeneral on May 11, 2012 14:22:41 GMT -8
Christos: Deeply Concerned: Master, look these two there, that just entered. They are exactly like the ones in the photos.
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Post by Robert Can't on May 12, 2012 10:51:39 GMT -8
No, I just want to see Dachs burn christos. Has that ever happened? That would be like the most interesting thing since I got involved with Real Life. The two of them facing off would be truly amazing... Christos' anti-logic fighting against the Dachian unwavering argument... It would be great.
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CivGeneral
Respected Citizen
Space Ninja
Posts: 74
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Post by CivGeneral on May 12, 2012 10:56:40 GMT -8
I'd think he'd avoid him out of principle.
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Post by christos200 on May 12, 2012 11:46:38 GMT -8
The only time i talked with Dachs was when he supported me in the Macedonian naming dispute in CFC.
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Post by Robert Can't on May 12, 2012 11:57:00 GMT -8
What sort of Unholy alliance is this?
Christos and Dachs?
The world is ending, my friends, and we would be well to quit this virtual coil.
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Post by Thorvald of Lym on May 12, 2012 12:01:19 GMT -8
*puts gun to head, remembers DYOS, reluctantly reneges*
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