Since 1963, the blue-white marble of the Doctor Whoniverse had maintained a fairly stable orbit around the star Cosmodramatica Britannia. Although it suffered a slight aberration in 1996, by 2005 it had returned to a steady pace around the sun. Now, for the first time in sixteen years, it was threatened again as the Doom Sphere slowly propelled itself into sight of the fandom.
George I stood in the main observation deck, idly scratching his bottom, as the Doctor Whoniverse entered the centre of the viewport. An aide approached; George gave him the finger without breaking his view, and the man departed, sighing.
"We've entered Cosmodramatica Brittannia!" Jimmy reported.
"I can
see that," George snapped in a valley girl accent, "I'm not
stoopid, yanno!"
Jimmy rolled his eyes as two men brought Princess Kaiser forth, Darth Lackarse following closely behind. "Imperator George!" she exclaimed as the men departed, "I should have expected to find you holding Lackarse's leash. I recognized your foul stench when I was brought onboard."
George grinned as he broke wind; the moment's irony was lost to him. "Always knew you fancied me, candyheart." He grabbed her face and squeezed her cheeks into fish lips. "You
don't know how hard I found it signing the order to..." he gave a protracted sniff that turned into a snore. Striking as pitiful a pose as he could, he finished: "Terminate your life."
"I'm suppissed you had the couage to take the ressponssibility yoursself," the princess managed through a locked jaw.
George puckered his lips and leaned in to steal a kiss, but Lackarse threw his hand between them. George looked up at the man as though he had just committed high treason. "SHE, UH... SHE HAS COOTIES," he said hastily.
George let out a horrified yelp, leaping backwards as if he'd just suffered an electric shock. Feeling all eyes on him, he hastily recompiled himself. "Pr-r-r-rincess Kaiser," he boomed, puffing out his chest, "Before your—" loud sniff "—Execution... I voold leik yoo to be mein GUEST, aht ah
ssseremony that weeel make zis battlestation..." George spent about twenty seconds striking a pose and drawing out the suspense until it was lost. Realizing the man had forgotten where he was going with it all, Lackarse coughed politely. "OPERATIONAL!" he finished sharply, before vigorously shaking his head: "
NOOOOO website will
DARE oppose the Emporer now!"
Princess Kaiser responded softly with a snide smile: "The more you tighten your grip, George, the more fandoms will slip through your fingers."
"N-eeheeheeheeheehOT after we demonstrate ze POWAH—" hip thrust "—of this station!" Doubling over, he tiptoed back over to his captive. "In a
way, you haff determined the CHOICE of the website that will be destroyed
f-f-first." Kaiser wiped the spit from her face. "Since you are..." he paused, before slowly tilting his head in what was probably intended for a dramatic effect, "
Reluctant... to provide us with the location of the r-r-r-r-rebel base..." He turned away from her and walked a few steps forward. "I have chosen to test this STAtion's destructive power..." He spun around sharply, bug-eyed, right eyelid lightly spasming. "ON YOUR HOME FANDOM!! OF
DOCTOR WHO!!"
"No!" she cried softly, stepping forward, "
Doctor Who is a landmark of sci-fi television! It's a quality franchise! You can't
possibly—"
"YOU WOULD PREFER A
DIFFERENT TARGET?!" he screamed, doubling over in a violent bow forward, "A
MILITARY TARGET?! THEN
NAME THE
SYSTEM!!"
The princess tried to articulate words, but nothing surfaced. George ground his teeth, breathing through his mouth, advancing on her until she had backed up into Lackarse. Anyone who knew George knew of his tantrums; but to bear witness in person, especially when the fury was directed to oneself, was cause for legitimate fear. When he was genuinely angry,
anything could happen, and not merely sexual indiscretion. "I grow tired of asking this," he growled, "So it will be the last time." He was almost pressing himself against her; the fumes of the morning's binge drinking invaded her nostrils. "
WHERE is the rebel base??"
Kaiser looked past his shoulder and out through the viewport. The Doctor Whoniverse was in full, splendid view; the Doom Sphere looked to be strategically positioning itself to eclipse the sun in preparation for the strike. "9GAG," she exhaled, head falling to her chest, "They're at 9GAG."
"There!" George exclaimed, suddenly jubilant, "You see, Lord Lackarse? She
can be
r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-reasonable!" He spun about to Admiral Jimmy. "Continue with the operation; you may fire when ready."
"
WHAT?!" shrieked the princess.
"You're
far too trusting, sweetcheeks," George giggled, tapping his fingers against his lips; "9GAG is too remOTE to make an
efFECtive demonstration—but don't worry!" He licked his lips loudly and sloppily. "We will
deal with your
r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-r-rebel friends soon enough."
"No..!" she muttered, advancing as George turned his back, but Lackarse restrained her.
"Commence primary ignition," a voice called over the intercom. Operators in a distant room began mashing buttons as they desperately tried to recall the arming sequence. Whatever they did must have worked, as a greenish-yellow beam shot through a tunnel where two crewmen were perched precariously on a narrow, open platform, shielding their eyes against the pure failure. Five more like beams shot from the outer edges of the dish, converging at a point above the centre, fusing into a single solid column that struck the Doctor Whoniverse, obliterating the fandom in a fiery explosion.
At that moment onboard the
Centurion Raptor, Chris was practicing with his plasma foil against a training robot while Jenkins and Arkady engaged in a real-time-strategy simulation. Alec Guinness suddenly put a hand to his chest and hastily sat down. Chris noticed, and deactivated his foil before making his way over. "Are you alright?? whats wrong
"
"I felt a great disturbance in the Farce," he replied shakily, "As if millions of voices suddenly cried out in non-satirical terror, and were suddenly silenced." He shook his head, brow furrowing. "I feel something terrible has happened." He remembered Chris, quickly rubbed his forehead, then dismissed the boy, saying: "You'd better get on with your exercises."
"OK." Without further thought, he left Alec Guinness to contemplate in silence.
"Well, you can forget your troubles with those Imperial slugs," called Fegelein, strolling into the room and taking a seat by Alec Guinness; "I told you I'd outrun them." He eyed Chris, engaged in practice, and Alec Guinness, who sat silently. "Don't everybody thank me at once," he muttered, sarcastically but with a hint of concern. "Anyway, we should reach the Doctor Whoniverse in about 0200 hours."
Across from him, Farnsworth observed the holographic display of the war game. Jenkins blew two stacatto notes as he moved a small platoon of soldiers forward into an open valley. Arkady countered with a mechanized regiment. "Now be careful, Jenkins," the taller gentleman commented. The shorter man let out a low trill, ordering an artillery barrage on his own position just as Arkady's troops moved to overtake them. Both forces were devastated; but Arkady, having committed the larger force, bore the brunt of the fire. Jenkins gave a triumphant whistle.
"
Kakogo chyerta?!" Arkady shouted.
"It's a fair move!" Farnsworth exclaimed, before eyeing the battlefield with disgust. "Atrocious, but fair. Screaming about it won't help you."
"Let him have it," Fegelein cut in, "It's not wise to upset a
Werwolf."
"But sir, nobody worries about upsetting a gentleman!"
"That's because gentlemen don't pull people's arms out of their sockets when they lose," he explained with a small smirk.
Farnsworth's eyes widened, glancing back to Arkady. "Your first mate wouldn't do
that, surely..!"
"You want to try him?"
He eyed said first mate for a moment, then leaned in toward his compatriot. "I suggest a
new strategy, Jenkins: Let the werewolf win."
Arkady threw his hands behind his head as he leaned back against his seat, smiling smugly.
Fegelein turned his attention to the auxiliary controls as Alec Guinness regained himself and resumed observing Chris. The boy blocked a shot from the robot, following it nervously, positioning his blade in anticipation of the next. "Remember," called Alec Guinness, "A Cheddar Monk can feel the Farce
flowing through him."
"What, do you mean it controls your actions??"
"Partially. But it also obeys your commands."
The robot banked to the left, zapping Chris' thigh before he could react. Fegelein let out a sharp laugh. "Hokey religions and gentlemen's weapons are no match for a good pistol at
your side, kid."
Chris deactivated the foil. "you dont believe in the Farce, do you??"
Fegelein sighed. "Kid, I've studied the history of comedy and pulled some of the greatest antics the world's ever seen; but I've never seen
anything to convince me that humour exists as some sort of Platonic form controlling
everything. There's no mystical energy field controlling
my prank-planning." Alec Guinness chuckled to himself. "It's just a matter of inspiration and careful timing."
"I suggest you try it again, Chris," said Alec Guinness, rising from his seat and retrieving a pilot's helmet. "This time, let go your conscious self..." he walked over and fitted the helmet on the boy's head, "And act on
instinct."
Chris scoffed in disbelief as he stared into the opaque inside of the helmet's protective visor. "With the blast sheild down i cant even see!! How am i supposed to fight
?"
"Your eyes can deceive you," he replied, "Don't trust them."
Chris assumed a combat stance and engaged the foil. He waved blindly around as the robot shuffled about, scoring another shock. "Stretch out with your
feelings," Alec Guinness commanded. Chris sighed, and tried again, trying to sense the robot's position. Both stood silent, save the hum from the foil; then he parried pre-emptively, blocking three shots in quick succession. "You see?" he said as Chris disengaged, "You can do it!"
"
I call it luck," Fegelein interjected.
"In my experience, there's no such thing as luck."
"Look," he pressed, "Going against remotes is one thing. Appealing to a live audience? That's something else." He returned his attention to the control panel as it began beeping. "Looks like we're coming up on
Doctor Who." He rose from his seat and made his way back to the cockpit.
"You know, i did feel something!!" Chris told Alec Guinness, "I
could almost see the remote!!"
"That's
good!" He clapped a hand to Chris' shoulder. "You've taken your first step into a larger world."
Back in the Doom Sphere, George I was seated at the far end of the main office, where he could watch the guards posted at the door, and Lackarse, standing casually at the right side of the table. Presently, he was watching the monitor at his share of the desk, and didn't notice the arrival of an elder officer until the man spoke up.
"Our scout ships have reached 9GAG—"
"Jesus Christ!" shouted George, "KNOCK FIRST!" The officer eyed him suspiciously; sweat was pouring down his face and his hands had flown the cover the screen, even though it couldn't be seen by anyone else in the room.
Hesitantly, he continued: "They found the remains of a comedy site, but they estimate it has been deserted for some time. They are now conducting an extensive search of the surrounding websites." Receiving a blank stare from the Grand Mopp, the officer nodded and left the room.
After a few moments, George found his voice. "She lied..." he breathed in disbelief. "She
LIED to us!!" He jumped to his feet, walking over to Lackarse. "To ME!! I loved her like sun raise... How could she...
DO this to me?!" he sobbed, looking into Lackarse's face with a pleading expression.
Lackarse had numerous theories, all of which he kept to himself. Instead, he merely replied: "I TOLD YOU SHE WOULD NEVER CONSCIOUSLY BETRAY THE ALLIANCE."
"TEHminate her!" he shouted, "I-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M-M—" George's head began shaking violently from side to side, jaw loose. Sensing the onset of another episode, Lackarse quietly left the room. He returned five minutes later. "—M-M-M-M-M-M-M-EEEEDIATELY! —Hey, where'd you get that ice cream?"
Meanwhile, the
Centurion Raptor sailed on, oblivious that its scheduled arrival time was permanently delayed. "Stand by, Arkady. Here we go; cut in the sub-light engines." Fegelein flipped a number of overhead switches, and the electric blue tunnel that surrounded the ship broke into long colums, that quickly shrank into individual stars. "What the-?" he muttered, taking his seat as the ship was jostled by outside debris.
"Well
this is unexpected," said Arkady. Racing past the ship were small rocks of varying sizes.
"Aw," groaned Fegelein, "We've come out of hyperspace into a meteor shower. Some kind of asteroid collision." He looked at the control panel with confusion. "It's not on any of the charts."
Chris and Alec Guinness quickly joined the pilots. "Whats going on
" asked the boy.
"Our
position is correct, except... no
Doctor Who."
"What do you mean
WHere is it
"
"That's what I'm trying to tell you, kid," he sighed, "It's not here. It's been totally blown away."
"WHAT?!?! HOW?!?!?!?!?!"
"Destroyed, by the Empire," Alec Guinness said calmly.
Fegelein turned to him, incredulous. "The entire starfleet couldn't destroy the whole fandom; they've managed DDoS, sure, but to actually delete the webs—" At that moment a high-pitched pulse-tone chimed. "There's another ship coming in," he announced.
"maybe they know what happened??" offered Chris.
"It's an Imperial fighter," said Alec Guinness.
Two brief flashes erupted in front of the cockpit, and the Kite Flyer soared past. "It followed us!!!!" Chris exclaimed.
"No, it's a short range fighter," noted Alec Guinness.
"There aren't any bases around here; where'd it come from?" Fegelein asked.
"Sure is leaving in a big hurry!! if they identify us we're in big trouble!!!!"
"Not if I can help it," he muttered. "Arkady, jam its transmissions."
"It'd be as well to let it go," advised Alec Guinness, "It's too far out of range."
"Not for long."
The
Raptor locked on to the Kite Flyer. "A fighter that size couldn't get this deep into space on its own," he mused.
"it must have gotten lost, been part of a convoy or something," suggested Chris.
"Well, he won't be around long enough to tell anybody about us," said Fegelein.
"look at him hes heading for that small moon!!!!"
"I think I can get him before he gets there. He's almost in range..."
Alec Guinness straightened up. "That's no moon," he said softly, "It's a
space station."
"It's too big to be a space station..!" Fegelein scoffed. Yet as the
Raptor continued its pursuit, the satellite grew steadily larger. Its surface was a uniform grey, and its shape was not natural; it looked like an egg laid sideways.
"I have a very bad feeling about this," Chris murmured.
"Turn the ship around," said Alec Guinness.
"Yeah... I think you're right," Fegelein replied, overcome by a rare episode of doubt. "Full reverse; Arkady, lock in the auxiliary power." The engines revved as the ship began shaking, but its forward velocity remained steady. "Arkady, lock in the auxiliary power," he repeated, louder. The first mate threw a switch, laboured breathing betraying his own increasing unease.
"Why are we still moving towards it?!?!?!?!" shouted Chris.
"We're caught in a tractor beam! It's pulling us in!"
"Theres got to be something you can do!!!!"
"There's nothing I can do about it, kid," he replied angrily, "I'm in full power. I'm going to have to shut down." He flipped some overhead switches and the ship disengaged to neutral. "But they're not going to get me without a fight," he added.
"You can't win," said Alec Guinness, "But there
are alternatives to fighting."
The four watched, helpless, as the
Raptor was invisibly towed toward the station, now so big it occupied nearly the entire view of the canopy. The Doom Sphere's crew tracked the ship as it decelerated toward the station's equator. "Clear Bay 327," reported the intercom, "We are opening the magnetic field." The ship slowly flew past shock troopers patrolling laser turrets guarding the docking bays, and soon enough was within the station proper.
A squad of shock troopers followed an RC car into the hangar where the
Raptor had landed. "Close all outboard shields!" someone called. Nobody knew what an "outboard shield" was, or why troopers should be running about the bay if it was still open, but such was Imperial protocol.
The intercom buzzed in the main office. "Ey—ye-e-
e-es?" said George in his best
Simpsons impersonation.
"We've captured a freighter entering the remains of the Doctor Whoniverse," reported the officer. "Its markings match those of a ship that blasted its way out of CFC-OT."
"THEY MUST BE TRYING TO RETURN THE STOLEN PLANS TO THE PRINCESS," surmised Lackarse. "SHE
MAY YET BE OF SOME USE TO US."
Lackarse departed the office and brought two subordinates down to the hangar, where a veritable company kept watch over the ship. He met with an officer and two shock troopers that had just debarked. "There's no-one on board, sir," he reported. "According to the log, the crew abandoned ship right after take-off. It must be a decoy, sir; several of the escape pods have been jettisoned."
"DID YOU FIND ANY GENTLEMEN?"
"No, sir. If there
were any onboard, they must also have jettisoned."
"SEND A SCANNING CREW ABOARD," he ordered, "I WANT EVERY PART OF THIS SHIP CHECKED."
"Yessir."
"I SENSE SOMETHING..." Lackarse breathed, "A PRESENCE I HAVE NOT FELT SINCE..." He trailed off, then turned about and marched quickly away.
"Get me a scanning crew in here on the double!" shouted the officer, "I want every part of this ship checked!"
"COPYCAT," called Lackarse.
Two shock troopers completed yet another redundant tour of the
Raptor. As they left, one of the floor panels lifted up; Fegelein, Walther in hand, and Chris emerged, followed shortly by Alec Guinness, Arkady, and the gentlemen further down the hall. "Boy its lucky you had these compartments!!" said Chris.
"I use them for smuggling," he explained. "I never thought I'd be smuggling
myself in them. This is ridiculous," he called to Alec Guinness. "Even if I
could take off, I'd never get past the tractor beam."
"Leave that to me," replied the actor.
"Damn fool, I
knew that you were going to say that!"
"Who's the more foolish?" he retorted, "The fool, or the fool who follows him?"
"There's a political joke in there somewhere," said Arkady.
Outside, the scanning crew arrived and uncovered whatever device was used to perform this so-called scan. "The ship's all yours," reported a shock trooper. "If the scanners pick up anything, report it immediately." The troops moved out as the men carried the box aboard, two soldiers standing sentinel outside.
There was a slight commotion as the equipment was set down. "Hey down there!" called a voice, and the troopers looked up into the ship, "Could'ja give us a hand with this?" One of the soldiers nodded, and they entered the
Raptor. Shortly thereafter, a shot rang out, followed by two more.
In one of the communications rooms overlooking the hangar, a junior officer in both senses of the word was growing impatient that the sentry hadn't responded to his text message, so he buzzed him through the station intercom. "TF:MTC, why aren't you at your post?" he asked. "TF:MTC, will you update?" No reply. He hastened over to the window and saw the soldier emerge from the ship, look up, and tap on his helmet. The officer gave a quick salute before making for the exit. "Take over," he called to a comrade, "We've got a retard."
"The
accepted term is 'technologically impaired'," the man shot back.
"Whatever, n00b. I'll see what I can do." He opened the door and found himself face-to-face with a shock trooper and a werewolf.
"Boo," said Arkady before punching the man's lights out. The other officer rose to his feet, but the shock trooper blasted him before he could draw his sidearm. They and Alec Guinness entered the room as the gentlemen and another shock trooper caught up. Fegelein removed his helmet and glanced out the observation window as Chris sealed the door before removing his.
"You know between his howling and your blasting everything in sight its a wonder the whole station doesn't know we're here!!!" barked the boy.
"Bigot," Arkady muttered.
"Bring 'em on," Fegelein shot back, "I'd prefer a straight fight to all this sneaking around."
Jenkins gave a whistle. "We found the computer outlet, sir," Farnsworth reported to Alec Guinness.
"Plug in," he replied, "He should be able to interpret the entire Imperial network."
Jenkins chirruped, withdrew a computer cable from within his coat, and plugged it into the socket. As he turned the node right and left, he balanced a small screen in his other hand as he played his whistle. "He says he's found the main controls to the power beam that's holding the ship here. He'll try to make the precise location appear on the monitor." The screen above flickered with green outlines as the computer scanned through the station schematics. "The tractor beam is coupled to the main reactor in several locations. A power loss at one of the terminals will allow the ship to leave." As if on cue, the scan zeroed in on a nearby terminal.
Alec Guinness turned toward Chris and Fegelein. "I don't think you boys can help me now," he said, "I must go alone."
"Whatever you say," replied Fegelein, dubious.
"I want to go with you!!!" said Chris, stepping forward.
"Be patient, Chris. Stay and watch over the gentlemen."
"But he can—"
"They
must be delivered safely, or other fansites will suffer the same fate as
Doctor Who." He put a hand to the boy's arm. "Your destiny lies along a different path than mine." He opened the door, glancing down the hall before turning back to Chris. "The Farce will be with you. Always."
Chris watched as he ran quickly down the hallway before resealing the door.
"You're never too old for suicide, I guess."
"You said it, Arkady," muttered Fegelein. "Where did you dig up that old
fossil?" he asked Chris.
He stomped toward them. "Ali-G is a great man!!"
"Yeah, great at getting us into trouble."
"i didnt hear you give any ideas!!!!!"
"Well
anything would be better than just hanging around waiting for him to pick us up."
"Who do you think—"
Their spat was interrupted by a sudden flourish by Jenkins. "What is it
??" Chris asked.
"I'm afraid I'm not quite sure, sir," said Farnsworth. "He says 'I've found her!' and keeps repeating 'She's here!'."
"well who
who has she found
?"
"Princess Kaiser."
"The princess!!!! shes here?!?!?!?!?"
"Princess?" asked Fegelein.
"where
? where is she?!?!?!?!?!"
"
Princess?" repeated the Obergruppenführer, "What's going on?"
Jenkins uttered a short melody. "Level 5, Detention Block AA-23," Farnsworth relayed. Another cascade. His face fell. "I'm afraid she's scheduled to be terminated."
Chris took a breath. "No!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" he said calmly and with complete control. "Weve got to do something!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"What are you
talking about?!" Fegelein walked over to them, hoping they would eventually remember him.
Chris sized himself up. "The gentelmen belong to her shes the one in the message we got to help her!!!!!!!!!"
"Now look, don't get any funny ideas! The old man wants us to wait right here."
"But he didn't know she was here!!!" Chris returned to the Brits. "Look, will you just find a way back into the detention block
?"
"I'm not going anywhere," Fegelein called, putting his feet up on the control panel.
"Their going to execute her!!!!!" shouted Chris, "Look, a few minutes ago you said you didn't want to just wait here to be captured now all you want to do is stay?!?!"
"Marching into the detention area is
not what I had in mind," he shot back.
"But their going to kill her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
"Better her than me." He sat up and swivelled around, pretending to fiddle with the room's controls. Chris looked away, had an idea, then turned back to Fegelein.
"She's rich."
"
Bozhye moy," groaned Arkady, clapping a hand to his forehead.
Fegelein turned around. "Rich?" he repeated, skeptical of the boy's motive.
"Rich.... powerful..... listen, if you were to rescue her, the reward would be........."
"What?"
"Well more wealth than you can imagine!!!!"
"I don't know, I can
imagine quite a bit."
"You'll get it!!"
"I'd
better."
"You will!!!!!"
Fegelein let out a deep sigh. "Alright kid. But you'd
better be right about this." He jabbed a finger.
"OK—"
"What's your plan?"
"Uhhh..." He looked around the room, rubbing his hands. "Farnsworth, hand me those binders there will you?" The man complied. "OK... now..." he walked over to Arkady. "I'm going to put these on you."
"Back the hell up, perv!" he shouted, shoving Chris aside, "I'm not here to play your furry BDSM fantasies!"
"OK... you... you put these on," he stammered, handing the cuffs to Fegelein.
The Obergruppenführer gave a knowing smirk to his comrade. "Don't worry, Arkady, I think I know what he has in mind."
"Master Christos, sir," called Farnsworth, "Pardon me for asking, but... what should Jenkins and I do if we're discovered here?"
"Lock the door," he answered, heading for the exit.
"And hope they don't have blasters," added Fegelein.
"Good luck," muttered Arkady.
"That
isn't very reassuring." Jenkins whistled sarcastically as Farnsworth rested his arm on the man's shoulder.