Post by Thorvald of Lym on May 11, 2012 19:07:14 GMT -8
Hhi everone i leik 2 write stroies in my fav shows wer i'm uberl33t pw0nz0rz & dis is my furst upplod her but i tink u'll all love it!!!!!!
In the black emptiness, two lines of blue text suddenly appear:
A short while ago in a galaxy
you're all familiar with . . . .
They linger for a while, long enough that the average viewer can re-read them three, maybe four times.
Then they vanish.
Goddammit, I hate this part.
The title card's coming, I know it, and it's always loud and always scares the hell outta me.
Maybe not as bad as the THX sequence, but it's still pretty startling.
I suppose I could turn the volume down for it, since the movie starts with a big space battle anyway.
Hold on, do I have the surround sound on?
Doesn't matter, I just have to find the remote and then I can OH SH—
DAAAA
Dd-la-daaa
Dd-la-Da da da DA da da Da da da DA da da
Da da DA DAAAAA-
Do Do Do
-LAUGH WARS-
Episode the square velocity of Your Mom:
A NEW DOPE
It is a period of literary war.
Crappy fanfics, striking from
the fetid bowels of the Internet,
have dealt a crippling blow to
readership sensibilities.
As legions of twelve-year-olds
smothered message boards
with Mary Sue self-inserts,
Allied spies managed to steal
secret plans to the enemy's
ace-in-the-hole, the DOOM
SPHERE, an overpowered
space station with enough
concentrated fail to wipe out
an entire website.
Pursued by the "Emporer"'s
n00b cosplayers, Princess
Kaiser races home aboard
her space shuttle, custodian
of the stolen plans that can
save her people and restore
quality to the Internet . . . .
-Da da da DA!
Dd-la-da da da DA- da
DD-LA-DA dd-la-da DD-LA-DA dd-la-da
DD-LA-DA dd-la-da DD-LA-da-dladadla-da-dladadla-
da-dladadla-da-dladadla-da-dladadla-da-dladadla
DEE doo doo dee DEE doo doo dee
DEE doo doo dee DEE doo doo dee
*cough kaff hack*
"Sorry-" *kaff* "-I thought it'd-" *cough* "cleared up. Go on without me."
I'm not leaving you, man!
"You gotta! The show- *hakkocktf* "The show must go on! Look, the ships are already entering the frame! It's up to you now!"
But I need your help!
"You can do it! With or without a cappella! The Farce-" *hack* "-is strong in your family! There-" *cough cahhch* "-is another-" *hocchk* "-Narrator!" *cough kaff kaff* "Seriously, I gotta go find some Halls or something." *hoooackk*
*SLAM*
...
He's right.
The show... must go on.
I have to do this.
The Imperial Star Destructor bore down upon the Allied corvette, conveniently entering the vicinity of an inhabited desert planet. The shuttle kept up a steady fire, but dwarfed by the gargantuan triangle, it had about as much chance as Thorvald wrapping up Part II before the end of the fiscal year. As the deflector shields began to fail under sustained bombardment, a blast struck the engine quarters, rocking the ship and sending the crew careening about the halls.
Two of the ship's passengers were C. Aubrey Farnsworth, Esquire, a tall and well-mannered gentleman, and his inseparable companion Jenkins, a short, stocky, but equally distinguished man who, for reasons known only to himself, communicated exclusively via slide whistle. "Did you hear that?!" exclaimed Farnsworth, fidgeting with his immaculately-groomed moustache. Jenkins whistled in reply. Farnsworth handed him the newspaper. "They shut down the Mainz Reactor! Unemployment will go through the roof!" He threw his arms in the air. "This is madness!"
Editor's note: Due to death threats received by the scriptwriter, the reference to 300 originally planned for this scene has been cut.
Soldiers rushed through the halls, taking position in front of the somewhat stupidly-conceived single entrance to the entire ship. "We're doomed," Farnsworth muttered. Jenkins gave a whistle. Farnsworth shook his head. "There'll be no escape for the princess this time." Jenkins uttered another musical reply. "I suppose you're right," he nodded, pensive, "Assuming they won't blast escape pods on sight."
Despite the vacuum of space, the soldiers cast their glance ceiling-ward as the corvette was seized by the Star Destructor docking bay. As muffled sounds of memetic mutations met their ears, they trained their Uzis on the entrance. Suddenly they were bombarded by a high-pitched screech as someone on the other side took a hand saw to the door, evidently unable to figure out how to slide it open. The greener guards dropped their guns immediately, clamping their hands to their ears; a few tried to hold out, but lacking earplugs, were forced to pull back. As the door fell away, the daily "Rainbow Tylenol" remix blasted through the hall, and anyone not already writhing on the ground beat a hasty retreat as Imperial shock troops flooded in.
Farnsworth and Jenkins entered a hall just as troopers from both sides exchanged fire. Jenkins calmly made his way to the other side, and Farnsworth quickly shuffled behind him, easily dodging the shock troopers' horrible aim.
Back at the entrance, stragglers were looting the catatonic soldiers, but quickly snapped to attention as an exceptionally tall man in a black cape, black boots, a leather jacket, leather gloves, unsettlingly tight leather pants, and a Darth Vader mask strode in. Breathing heavily, either for effect or as a result of the mask, he surveyed his surroundings before marching onward, a contingent of shock troopers in tow.
Meanwhile, Farnsworth had turned his back for five seconds and Jenkins had wandered off. Hastily searching one of the maintenance alleys, he spied his partner down by one of the pod bays. A woman dressed in flowing white robes had just handed him a DVD, which he dutifully stored in his inside coat pocket. The woman then cast a glance down the hall and disappeared down a corridor. Straightening out his attire, Jenkins re-convened with Farnsorth. "At last!" he exclaimed; "Where have you been?" Whistle. "They're heading in this direction! What are we going to do?! We'll be sent to the Korean dungeons, gold-mining for WoW!" Jenkins gave a disparaging whistle and trotted down the opposite hall. "Waitaminute, where are you going?" Unseen to Farnsworth, the woman watched as they walked away, throwing off the hood of her dress to reveal two bread rolls tied into her hair on either side of her head. After confirming the gentlemen were headed in the right direction, she vanished into the depths of the machinery.
By this time, the fight had finished, and shock troopers paraded their captives through the halls in circles; not out of punishment, but because they had become lost. One of the less stupid soldiers found the Man in Black, in the midst of strangling the ship's captain. "The Doom Sphere plans are not in the main computer," he said.
"YOU MADE SURE TO CHECK OTHER HARD DRIVES BESIDES 'C', RIGHT?"
"Yes."
"AND THERE WASN'T A DISK OR ANYTHING IN THE DISK DRIVE?"
"No."
"NO OTHER EXTERNAL DATA STORAGE DEVICES?"
"Umm... no?"
His hesitancy sealed his fate. The Man in Black dropped the captain, grabbed the soldier, and head-butted him, sending him tumbling to the floor. Spinning around, he shouted to his guards: "SCOUR EVERY INCH OF THIS SHIP, SEIZE EVERY MP3 PLAYER, iPHONE, SD CARD, NO MATTER HOW MUCH PORN'S STASHED ON IT..." He thought for a minute. "IN FACT, ESPECIALLY IF THERE'S PORN ON IT." These Allies were a sneaky bunch. "AND BRING ME THE PASSENGERS. ALIVE."
The guards stood silent.
"NOT DEAD."
Even under their masks, he could sense the blank stares.
"DON'T KILL THEM. DON'T. NO."
After a momentary pause, they nodded in affirmation. Letting out a sigh, he left the room.
A group of shock troopers made their way through one of the maintenance alleys. One soldier noticed movement from behind a set of pipes. "There's one," he said, "Set for stun."
The woman in white levelled her pistol and delivered a shot clear through the trooper's plastic armour and into his chest. She turned to run, but another trooper fired a blast of memetic ululations that knocked her to the floor. "She'll be alright," he said as his comrades gathered her up. "Inform Lord Lackarse we have a prisoner."
Deeper into the bay, Jenkins whistled for Farnsworth as he shuffled in front of a low doorway. "Hey!" Farnsworth exclaimed, "You don't know what's in there! It's restricted! You might catch some plague and die!" Jenkins gave a curt whistle as he thumbed in the control key. "Don't you call me a paranoid pansy you dwarfish meddler!" he retorted as Jenkins clambered inside, "Now come out before Taniciusfox eats you." Jenkins responded with a short trill. "Secret mission?" Farnsworth repeated, "What plans? What are you talking about? I'm not getting in there."
A blast of meme narrowly missed Farnsworth's head. Jenkins whistled in condescension as his friend hastily ducked inside. "I'm going to regret this," he muttered as the door shut after him.
The clamps released and the escape pod shot off toward the planet. From one of the Star Destructor's port-side batteries, a gunnery crew watched its descent. "There goes another one," a grunt remarked.
"Hold your fire," the officer ordered, "If I kill two in the same second, I get bonus points."
The soldier looked up at his commander, opened his mouth, but thought better of it and faced forward.
"That's funny," said Farnsworth, looking out at the shrinking ships as the pod spiralled away, "I'd think our localized gravity would make us sit toward the nose of the pod." He turned to Jenkins. "Are you sure this thing's physics are natural?" Whistle. "Oh."
Princess Kaiser was escorted, handcuffed, into the main hallway and brought before the Man in Black. "Darth Lackarse," she sighed, "Only you could be so bold."
"YEP."
"The Fanfiction Moderators will not sit still for this. When they hear you've attacked a diplomatic—"
"DON'T ACT SO SURPRISED, YOUR HIGHNESS," he interrupted, "YOU WEREN'T ON ANY MERCY MISSION THIS TIME. SEVERAL TRANSMISSIONS WERE BEAMED TO THIS SHIP BY ALLIED SPIES; I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PLANS THEY SENT YOU."
"I don't know what you're talking about," she retorted, defiant, "I'm a member of the Fanfiction Moderators on a diplomatic mission to the Doctor Whoniverse."
"YOU ARE PART OF THE REBEL ALLIANCE, AND A TRAITOR. TAKE HER AWAY!" he barked. As the escort continued down the hall, Lackarse and a subordinate made off in the opposite direction.
"Holding her is dangerous," the man interjected. "If word of this gets out, it could generate sympathy for the Alliance across the Internet."
"I HAVE TRACED THE ALLIED SPIES TO HER," he replied, "NOW SHE IS MY ONLY LINK TO FINDING THEIR SECRET BASE."
"She'll die before she'll tell you anything!"
"LEAVE THAT TO ME. SEND A DISTRESS SIGNAL, AND THEN INFORM THE MODERATORS THAT ALL ABOARD WERE PERMA-BANNED."
Another officer approached. "Lord Lackarse, the battle station plans are not aboard this ship, and no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting. No Americans were aboard."
"AND THE POD WASN'T DESTROYED BECAUSE..?"
"The battery officer, er, wanted a multi kill."
"I SEE," he replied calmly, "TAKE ME TO THE STATION."
Lackarse and the two officers entered the control room. "That's him there," he said, gesturing. Lackarse walked quickly over to him.
"My Lord," he said, catching eye of the infamous warrior, "To what do I owe the—"
Lackarse grabbed the man and delivered a swift head-butt, sending him to the ground. He turned back to the officers. "SHE MUST HAVE HIDDEN THE PLANS IN THE ESCAPE POD. SEND A DETACHMENT DOWN TO RETRIEVE THEM; SEE TO IT PERSONALLY, COMMANDER. THERE'LL BE NO-ONE TO STOP US THIS TIME."
"Yes, sir."
OMG 4got 2 mensun dis is prt of a weries & if u leik ill post da otehr chapturz!!!!! loves 2 u all!!!! XOXOXOXO
In the black emptiness, two lines of blue text suddenly appear:
A short while ago in a galaxy
you're all familiar with . . . .
They linger for a while, long enough that the average viewer can re-read them three, maybe four times.
Then they vanish.
Goddammit, I hate this part.
The title card's coming, I know it, and it's always loud and always scares the hell outta me.
Maybe not as bad as the THX sequence, but it's still pretty startling.
I suppose I could turn the volume down for it, since the movie starts with a big space battle anyway.
Hold on, do I have the surround sound on?
Doesn't matter, I just have to find the remote and then I can OH SH—
DAAAA
Dd-la-daaa
Dd-la-Da da da DA da da Da da da DA da da
Da da DA DAAAAA-
Do Do Do
-LAUGH WARS-
Episode the square velocity of Your Mom:
A NEW DOPE
It is a period of literary war.
Crappy fanfics, striking from
the fetid bowels of the Internet,
have dealt a crippling blow to
readership sensibilities.
As legions of twelve-year-olds
smothered message boards
with Mary Sue self-inserts,
Allied spies managed to steal
secret plans to the enemy's
ace-in-the-hole, the DOOM
SPHERE, an overpowered
space station with enough
concentrated fail to wipe out
an entire website.
Pursued by the "Emporer"'s
n00b cosplayers, Princess
Kaiser races home aboard
her space shuttle, custodian
of the stolen plans that can
save her people and restore
quality to the Internet . . . .
-Da da da DA!
Dd-la-da da da DA- da
DD-LA-DA dd-la-da DD-LA-DA dd-la-da
DD-LA-DA dd-la-da DD-LA-da-dladadla-da-dladadla-
da-dladadla-da-dladadla-da-dladadla-da-dladadla
DEE doo doo dee DEE doo doo dee
DEE doo doo dee DEE doo doo dee
*cough kaff hack*
"Sorry-" *kaff* "-I thought it'd-" *cough* "cleared up. Go on without me."
I'm not leaving you, man!
"You gotta! The show- *hakkocktf* "The show must go on! Look, the ships are already entering the frame! It's up to you now!"
But I need your help!
"You can do it! With or without a cappella! The Farce-" *hack* "-is strong in your family! There-" *cough cahhch* "-is another-" *hocchk* "-Narrator!" *cough kaff kaff* "Seriously, I gotta go find some Halls or something." *hoooackk*
*SLAM*
...
He's right.
The show... must go on.
I have to do this.
The Imperial Star Destructor bore down upon the Allied corvette, conveniently entering the vicinity of an inhabited desert planet. The shuttle kept up a steady fire, but dwarfed by the gargantuan triangle, it had about as much chance as Thorvald wrapping up Part II before the end of the fiscal year. As the deflector shields began to fail under sustained bombardment, a blast struck the engine quarters, rocking the ship and sending the crew careening about the halls.
Two of the ship's passengers were C. Aubrey Farnsworth, Esquire, a tall and well-mannered gentleman, and his inseparable companion Jenkins, a short, stocky, but equally distinguished man who, for reasons known only to himself, communicated exclusively via slide whistle. "Did you hear that?!" exclaimed Farnsworth, fidgeting with his immaculately-groomed moustache. Jenkins whistled in reply. Farnsworth handed him the newspaper. "They shut down the Mainz Reactor! Unemployment will go through the roof!" He threw his arms in the air. "This is madness!"
Editor's note: Due to death threats received by the scriptwriter, the reference to 300 originally planned for this scene has been cut.
Soldiers rushed through the halls, taking position in front of the somewhat stupidly-conceived single entrance to the entire ship. "We're doomed," Farnsworth muttered. Jenkins gave a whistle. Farnsworth shook his head. "There'll be no escape for the princess this time." Jenkins uttered another musical reply. "I suppose you're right," he nodded, pensive, "Assuming they won't blast escape pods on sight."
Despite the vacuum of space, the soldiers cast their glance ceiling-ward as the corvette was seized by the Star Destructor docking bay. As muffled sounds of memetic mutations met their ears, they trained their Uzis on the entrance. Suddenly they were bombarded by a high-pitched screech as someone on the other side took a hand saw to the door, evidently unable to figure out how to slide it open. The greener guards dropped their guns immediately, clamping their hands to their ears; a few tried to hold out, but lacking earplugs, were forced to pull back. As the door fell away, the daily "Rainbow Tylenol" remix blasted through the hall, and anyone not already writhing on the ground beat a hasty retreat as Imperial shock troops flooded in.
Farnsworth and Jenkins entered a hall just as troopers from both sides exchanged fire. Jenkins calmly made his way to the other side, and Farnsworth quickly shuffled behind him, easily dodging the shock troopers' horrible aim.
Back at the entrance, stragglers were looting the catatonic soldiers, but quickly snapped to attention as an exceptionally tall man in a black cape, black boots, a leather jacket, leather gloves, unsettlingly tight leather pants, and a Darth Vader mask strode in. Breathing heavily, either for effect or as a result of the mask, he surveyed his surroundings before marching onward, a contingent of shock troopers in tow.
Meanwhile, Farnsworth had turned his back for five seconds and Jenkins had wandered off. Hastily searching one of the maintenance alleys, he spied his partner down by one of the pod bays. A woman dressed in flowing white robes had just handed him a DVD, which he dutifully stored in his inside coat pocket. The woman then cast a glance down the hall and disappeared down a corridor. Straightening out his attire, Jenkins re-convened with Farnsorth. "At last!" he exclaimed; "Where have you been?" Whistle. "They're heading in this direction! What are we going to do?! We'll be sent to the Korean dungeons, gold-mining for WoW!" Jenkins gave a disparaging whistle and trotted down the opposite hall. "Waitaminute, where are you going?" Unseen to Farnsworth, the woman watched as they walked away, throwing off the hood of her dress to reveal two bread rolls tied into her hair on either side of her head. After confirming the gentlemen were headed in the right direction, she vanished into the depths of the machinery.
By this time, the fight had finished, and shock troopers paraded their captives through the halls in circles; not out of punishment, but because they had become lost. One of the less stupid soldiers found the Man in Black, in the midst of strangling the ship's captain. "The Doom Sphere plans are not in the main computer," he said.
"YOU MADE SURE TO CHECK OTHER HARD DRIVES BESIDES 'C', RIGHT?"
"Yes."
"AND THERE WASN'T A DISK OR ANYTHING IN THE DISK DRIVE?"
"No."
"NO OTHER EXTERNAL DATA STORAGE DEVICES?"
"Umm... no?"
His hesitancy sealed his fate. The Man in Black dropped the captain, grabbed the soldier, and head-butted him, sending him tumbling to the floor. Spinning around, he shouted to his guards: "SCOUR EVERY INCH OF THIS SHIP, SEIZE EVERY MP3 PLAYER, iPHONE, SD CARD, NO MATTER HOW MUCH PORN'S STASHED ON IT..." He thought for a minute. "IN FACT, ESPECIALLY IF THERE'S PORN ON IT." These Allies were a sneaky bunch. "AND BRING ME THE PASSENGERS. ALIVE."
The guards stood silent.
"NOT DEAD."
Even under their masks, he could sense the blank stares.
"DON'T KILL THEM. DON'T. NO."
After a momentary pause, they nodded in affirmation. Letting out a sigh, he left the room.
A group of shock troopers made their way through one of the maintenance alleys. One soldier noticed movement from behind a set of pipes. "There's one," he said, "Set for stun."
The woman in white levelled her pistol and delivered a shot clear through the trooper's plastic armour and into his chest. She turned to run, but another trooper fired a blast of memetic ululations that knocked her to the floor. "She'll be alright," he said as his comrades gathered her up. "Inform Lord Lackarse we have a prisoner."
Deeper into the bay, Jenkins whistled for Farnsworth as he shuffled in front of a low doorway. "Hey!" Farnsworth exclaimed, "You don't know what's in there! It's restricted! You might catch some plague and die!" Jenkins gave a curt whistle as he thumbed in the control key. "Don't you call me a paranoid pansy you dwarfish meddler!" he retorted as Jenkins clambered inside, "Now come out before Taniciusfox eats you." Jenkins responded with a short trill. "Secret mission?" Farnsworth repeated, "What plans? What are you talking about? I'm not getting in there."
A blast of meme narrowly missed Farnsworth's head. Jenkins whistled in condescension as his friend hastily ducked inside. "I'm going to regret this," he muttered as the door shut after him.
The clamps released and the escape pod shot off toward the planet. From one of the Star Destructor's port-side batteries, a gunnery crew watched its descent. "There goes another one," a grunt remarked.
"Hold your fire," the officer ordered, "If I kill two in the same second, I get bonus points."
The soldier looked up at his commander, opened his mouth, but thought better of it and faced forward.
"That's funny," said Farnsworth, looking out at the shrinking ships as the pod spiralled away, "I'd think our localized gravity would make us sit toward the nose of the pod." He turned to Jenkins. "Are you sure this thing's physics are natural?" Whistle. "Oh."
Princess Kaiser was escorted, handcuffed, into the main hallway and brought before the Man in Black. "Darth Lackarse," she sighed, "Only you could be so bold."
"YEP."
"The Fanfiction Moderators will not sit still for this. When they hear you've attacked a diplomatic—"
"DON'T ACT SO SURPRISED, YOUR HIGHNESS," he interrupted, "YOU WEREN'T ON ANY MERCY MISSION THIS TIME. SEVERAL TRANSMISSIONS WERE BEAMED TO THIS SHIP BY ALLIED SPIES; I WANT TO KNOW WHAT HAPPENED TO THE PLANS THEY SENT YOU."
"I don't know what you're talking about," she retorted, defiant, "I'm a member of the Fanfiction Moderators on a diplomatic mission to the Doctor Whoniverse."
"YOU ARE PART OF THE REBEL ALLIANCE, AND A TRAITOR. TAKE HER AWAY!" he barked. As the escort continued down the hall, Lackarse and a subordinate made off in the opposite direction.
"Holding her is dangerous," the man interjected. "If word of this gets out, it could generate sympathy for the Alliance across the Internet."
"I HAVE TRACED THE ALLIED SPIES TO HER," he replied, "NOW SHE IS MY ONLY LINK TO FINDING THEIR SECRET BASE."
"She'll die before she'll tell you anything!"
"LEAVE THAT TO ME. SEND A DISTRESS SIGNAL, AND THEN INFORM THE MODERATORS THAT ALL ABOARD WERE PERMA-BANNED."
Another officer approached. "Lord Lackarse, the battle station plans are not aboard this ship, and no transmissions were made. An escape pod was jettisoned during the fighting. No Americans were aboard."
"AND THE POD WASN'T DESTROYED BECAUSE..?"
"The battery officer, er, wanted a multi kill."
"I SEE," he replied calmly, "TAKE ME TO THE STATION."
Lackarse and the two officers entered the control room. "That's him there," he said, gesturing. Lackarse walked quickly over to him.
"My Lord," he said, catching eye of the infamous warrior, "To what do I owe the—"
Lackarse grabbed the man and delivered a swift head-butt, sending him to the ground. He turned back to the officers. "SHE MUST HAVE HIDDEN THE PLANS IN THE ESCAPE POD. SEND A DETACHMENT DOWN TO RETRIEVE THEM; SEE TO IT PERSONALLY, COMMANDER. THERE'LL BE NO-ONE TO STOP US THIS TIME."
"Yes, sir."
OMG 4got 2 mensun dis is prt of a weries & if u leik ill post da otehr chapturz!!!!! loves 2 u all!!!! XOXOXOXO